She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
