just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
