First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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