Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
