remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
