After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
