How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize