my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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