Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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