Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If I die, sorry about rent.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
