my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
