She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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