At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
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Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
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