8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
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