I wish my penis had an off switch
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
we should paint friendship bongs
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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