Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
