Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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