4 words: hood of his car
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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