the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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