I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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