I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
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Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
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N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk