Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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