I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
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I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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