dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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