I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
