The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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