So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
