he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
