im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.