look no pants
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.