The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
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I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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