I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize