I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
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that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
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Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...