another moral hangover. fuck.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship