How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
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Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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