I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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