I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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