Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
