why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
