Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.