I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.