Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?