oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
