I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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