I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell