Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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