Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
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couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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