he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
