Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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