I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize