I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I think this conversation is over.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying