that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
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Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
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My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy