I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
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i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
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You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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