I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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