I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
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I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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